Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer

For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”

I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”

We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.

Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.

“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”

– 11yo, not wrong

I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”

You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…

…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..

You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow

heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)

There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.

Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”

But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”

And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”

Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?

*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*

Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.

Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.

#oldknees

If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.

Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.

Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.

I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.

“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty

I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”

Relationships are all about compromises. If your partner wants the control of the tv remote, you get to control the thermostat.
Easy peasy.
Also I’m divorced

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.

I gave her money for her ticket.

The boy paid.

I did not get my money back.

I learned an important lesson about dating today.

Aw cool firepit!

Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰

I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.

*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*

“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”

SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin