Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
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Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
my astrological sign is a french fry
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Dietest Coke
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.