Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
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I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
#JohnTravolta
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
dads on road-trips be like
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic