today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
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{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
they see me scrollin
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.