Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
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[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Friend: What’s the consequence for bigamy? Me: You have to visit TWO sets of inlaws over the holidays
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir