Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

opens dishwasher…

Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot

The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.

I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.

90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.

If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing

New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?

My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

Not. Even. Joking.

Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.

Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!

[getting murdered]

“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”

I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.

signs you’re dating an angel:

– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning

*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”

COP: Know why I stopped you?

MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?

COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken

“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife

Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.

If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.

People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”

I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.

Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me

Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine

*raises glass, winks*

There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal

*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*

me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*

WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.

ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.

HER: I hate you.

This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be

People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.

9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.

Me: That’s every culture son.