Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
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Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Sounds like a bargain
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️