Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running

If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.

Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that

Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present

me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome

blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?

me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts

“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”

Taxidermy is invented.

Let’s walk and talk.

You go that way.

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight

[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts

My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.

It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.

[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult

Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.

6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”

Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”

6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”

Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?

Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.

Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.

Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.

I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.

“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher

Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.

5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”

bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century