Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.

2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.

[at a fire sale]

Me: one fire, please

i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless

when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?

I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.

[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]

Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!

COPS: We know you killed him

ME: I didn’t do it!

COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*

ME: wait no

MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS

I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey

You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.

“Describe your last relationship.”

Tired: like two ships passing in the night.

Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.

Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.

Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.

I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”

My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast

me, making an omelette: what

Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.

It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12

This week’s mood.

Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.

I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.

If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”

me: dinosaurs can’t talk

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead, barb

Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite

Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.

Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”

A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.

They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.