Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
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In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.