Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
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Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.