Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
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Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.
We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!