Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
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Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys