Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
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My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.