Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.

Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.

A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…

7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?

Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.

“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”

In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.

She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?

Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes

did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”

Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”

[sneeze one]

Bless you

[sneeze two]

Bless you

[sneeze three]

You are under arrest

Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?

Dogs get it.

Next time, join in.

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”

dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?

One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…

I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.

This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.

*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*

My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT

Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.

Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM

Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little

I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]