Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.

I live alone.

The dryer is my closet.

After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.

[First Date]

I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.

[Second Date]

*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*

Every BBC series about the universe.

Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

optimus prime: did she just wink at me?

me: i think she’s turning left

My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT

That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot

[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school

My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me

ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what

INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me

We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.

*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*

Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.

ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.

BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-

[wall breaks down]

SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY

BATMAN: No.

“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.

Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”

Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”

Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone

Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.

Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some

If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair