Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in

You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.

I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.

everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture

Stop sending me this shit.

It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.

The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

I just stabbed a pin in my arm.

Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’

“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”

Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much

Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?

I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”

When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?

Her: You should meditate.

Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.

My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”

And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked

Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.

You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.

Shots it is!

Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.

9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.