today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
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You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
if you relate to me, get some help
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
this is uni
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.