today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
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Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
I have taken up painting
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.