Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets

Me: Hold my goat

Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.

Ninja: So does a samurai sword.

L: But does it make a cool noise?

N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*

STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.

firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….

over 7k tabs down the drain….

The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”

Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.

Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh

Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.

Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.

Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything

Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”

Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.

*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*

Of course my days are numbered..

That’s how calendars work.

sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*

prison guard: ok you’re free to go

one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar

Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session

Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything

Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?

just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years

Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.

me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain

One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party

her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin

me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard

How to ruin your kids day:

1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock