Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
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ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.