Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—

7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?

No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them

Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”

I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’

Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.

[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-

The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all

The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.

I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…

Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.

Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*

Me: Dammit

I’d date me.

But mainly because I put out.

I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.

Love is always patient and kind.

cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil

I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.

I wrote a book on penguins.

Honestly, it would have been much easier if I wrote it on paper.

“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…

*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*

i lost 4 lbs, nice

*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*

the punishment does not fit the crime

Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.

Thank you

Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.

I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.

me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*

website: we need you to call for that

me: *calls*

phone message: we’re busy, use the website

me: screams into the void

the void: please use the website

Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.