Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
You Might Also Like
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Nose
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
#SaturdayBears