Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
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Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
bout dat hot dog summer
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’