Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
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you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks
God: Hmmm..
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
If you know, you know 😂🚔
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant