Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
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Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis