Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.

[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]

Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.

A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

Jesus: love your neighbor

Me: aw thanks, yours is also great

“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”

I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back

me: *hugging his dog* no

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission

Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?

FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”

Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“

What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”

What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”

All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.

can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’

I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.

In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page