Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
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Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
can’t bark with your mouth full
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Drilling for oil is well boring.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish