Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids

Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”

Times when calories don’t count:

1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner

2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack

3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot

4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

-No, there isn’t a town called ”Garbage” anywhere in England, stop looking at that map. I hate to break this to you, but when our neighbors called you ”King of garbage” that wasn’t a compliment

HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s

I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.

*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is

A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:

The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever

Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing

can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!

Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

Call any time! *terms and conditions apply

It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.

I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.

please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking

friend: want to go swimming?

me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no

Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you

Spider:

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”

Me: let’s take those jeans!

Her: idk, that’s stealing

Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice

Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed

Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!

Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone

my boss: how are you late to work again

me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away

Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’

Neo-natal nurse: awww

Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?

Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not