Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
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dude killed a sea lion with his bike
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast
My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos
You ever been to r/foodsafety? It’s literally just a hypochondriac circlejerk. Posts like “this chicken has been in a serving tray for 2 hours what do I do?” “Throw it out, it will kill your whole family!”