Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
You Might Also Like
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.