Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
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Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Try and stop me.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
It’s my emotional support 16 unwashed coffee cups in the sink
I think this might be relevant today.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!