Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
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PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
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If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
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wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.