Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help
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cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
But that’s none of my business
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??