Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
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I just got arrested for felonious mopery
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.