Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.

Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom

Snape: omg same

If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time

[alarm clock buzzing]

BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early

GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh

“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…

Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer

My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.

My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*

Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.

When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.

*Dies eating gas station sushi

Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.

COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone

TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears

I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.

The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.

Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet

I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.

I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.

almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free

me: I just don’t know what you see in me

X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers

[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”