Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
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“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted