Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
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Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
(more comics:
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”