Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
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[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.