Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok

He hands me the remote and goes to bed

And that’s how it’s done

HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER

Lets all agree,

having your cake and eating it too,

is the same damn thing.

I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.

Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.

My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.

Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.

Icarus loved hot wings.

NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.

Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes

no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.

The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume

follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.

the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck

I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.

Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.

Me: I roll to attack.

Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.

Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.

Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.

Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.

ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay

TAXI DRIVER: Again, no

sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind

they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for

It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler

Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.

If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.

I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.