Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars
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A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
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[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex