Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
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I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Cat is stressing him out.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.