Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Interrogation Room*

Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.

….

Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.

Tooth Fairy: So am I!

Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.

Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength

[FBI raid]

Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”

The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”

so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it

I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.

Good morning

omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺

It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!

In the grass..

So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!

[all the children]

Grass??

Yessssss.

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends

I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.

I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…

[invention of Moist Towelette]

So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say

Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall