Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.

Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store

If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”

I know that now.

I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired

Well, this explains it:

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.

I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.

A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.

Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”

Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife

*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…

Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.

“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”

{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.

I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad

Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…

Body: LOL.

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.

Feeling a little sad…

…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.