Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
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The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I’m never leaving this app.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”