Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
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IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”