Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first day as a dog catcher

“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.

My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?

Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”

Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.

I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.

-No, there isn’t a town called ”Garbage” anywhere in England, stop looking at that map. I hate to break this to you, but when our neighbors called you ”King of garbage” that wasn’t a compliment

Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”

Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]

I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.

Bear knowledge

Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins

Me: i’m taking a plane Linda

My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.

I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.

[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment

Got drunk and hugged the Domino’s delivery driver again …. There goes that New Years Resolution.

Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.

I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.

The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.

Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom

Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.

“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”

“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”

My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.