Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
You Might Also Like
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
The future is now.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information