Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: are you cool?

my armpit: good to go

me: you sure? not itchy?

my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine

me: promise me

my armpit: dude I promise

me:

my armpit:

me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*

my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this

god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec

angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad

Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?

Brought home almond milk from the grocery store

My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….

Me: No

[having sex]

Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.

Her in her head: This could have been an email.

Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house

Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar

It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house

The difference is staggering

A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

Thanks for following.

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!

Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.

For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection

Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to

coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole

detective: and that’s what killed him?

coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.

being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck

Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.

interviewer: what was your last job

me: health angel

interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa

me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.

That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.

When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.

What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]

My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…

I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.