Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

Am I having a stroke?

which auto response should i send back to my dentist?

[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?

If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.

Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!

[at the pub]

I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.

Her: Quit talking to me

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.

You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children

If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”

Born to be mild.

me: one Big Mac with no cherries

cashier: cherries?

me: no thanks

The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered

Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth

Me: No way

Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?

Me: Yes, that sounds delightful

I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath

lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”

Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!

Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!

Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot

My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon

What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?

Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that

Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God

Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.

Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*

I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.

boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen

Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug

I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.

*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*

Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—

*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*