Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
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22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Happy Taco Tuesday
I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
I’m confused about plants
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆