Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…

Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.

I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.

Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.

Me: Damn i really need to do my essay

Also me:

So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.

Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer

“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”

But we’re in love!

“It is forbidden!”

*whale elopes with submarine*

I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.

I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door

Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached

Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.

If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.

Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…

Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”

If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.

Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you

Me: I didn’t call you

Demon: I did

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business

[loses house key, starts a new life]

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth

COP: please step out of your vehicle

ME: finally *leaves body*

I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him

They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.

If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.

The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.