Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
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protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
When you don’t understand how floors work
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.