Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
You Might Also Like
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
🤣
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?