Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.

The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.

Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?

Children: Wait, what?

Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids

Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.

Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.

Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.

The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.

friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me

My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket

Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?

I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave

If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?

Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!

B: here’s your coffee. $12.32

M: thank you

Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?

Me: The babysitter

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10

i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…

When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?

[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.

My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”

There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar

I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.

In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..