Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.

People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.

you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too

[During sex]

Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.

me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.

lawyer: i think you mean alleged.

me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.

[Family BBQ]

Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!

Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.

Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.

It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?

I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.

Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”

My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it

so yeah, i’m adorable

Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.

To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.

Aim at his smartphone.

He’ll die faster.

Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.

My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.

teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?

Edgar: *shrugs*

teacher: Poe, try

I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.

Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?

I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.

Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.

Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?

God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.

Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.

The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure