Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

where the womens at?

Hot Hot Hot

Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?

Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.

I spelt ‘necessities’ correctly in one go, and now i am not sure if i have improved or AC is broken!?!

You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White t-shirt: lol same.

Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.

I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.

Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.

Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.

(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!

I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.

Seriously.

Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!

“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”

NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?

imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit

Me: “Take me to your leader!”

60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*

My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”

Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children

Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”

-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…

I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.

Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.

“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out