Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
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Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Artwork by Herta Burbe
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.