Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
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Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?