Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME

Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are

kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.

After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.

My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.

“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows

Feeling a little sad…

…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.

Welcome to Twitter.

Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.

Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”

7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”

You got it, brother. 🫡

The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.

Oh, you have ‘haterz.’

Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.

Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food

Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method

Friend: what the hell does that mean

Guy: we ratatouille the horse

The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted

me: what makes you angry

pirate: when someone steals my p

[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk

[God & his assistant making giraffes]

ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?

*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*

Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.

Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.

I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.

Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be

ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*

My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor

With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now

The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower

[making out in a club]

her: wanna go to the bathroom?

me: no I’ve just been thanks

I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”