Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
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I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
set yourself free xox
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill