Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
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The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”