Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
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“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher