Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”

Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.

That’s commitment

This is funnier than it should be. 😂

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Have you showered today?

Me: Um, I …

Netflix: And use soap this time.

Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.

Shepherd: I got ewe babe.

“Dad, where do babies come from?”

“Walmart.”

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: is it the body in my trunk?

cop: haha

me: haha

body in my trunk: haha

An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.

I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”

It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.

Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?

Taco truck driver: Okay.

My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock

CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner

ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–

*goose with a badge waddles in*

ME: okay but i’m driving this time

Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.

Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.

Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.

I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.

Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around

[in the bedroom]

Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*

Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana

Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.

I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.

Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board

“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.

me: shoot for the moon

astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates

My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.

Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.