Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

son: what’s that one?

me: the orion constellation

son: and that one?

me: that’s the big dipper

son: and what’s that?

me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes

Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.

Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with

Anyone: hey girl

Me: 😠

Anyone: excuse me ma’am

Me: 😡

Anyone: yo mister

Me: 😡😡😡

Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?

serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.

You got this…

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.

‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch

My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.

[jungle]

Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.

Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.

i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.

Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.

linkedin the good parts

this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔

if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.

Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”

Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”

Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”

me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend

Me: I don’t think I belong

Therapist: Do you think you be short?

Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss

I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.

Why can’t Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like I’m trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm