Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.

Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.

Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…

You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.

I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell

Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd

I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring

Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.

[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.

I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties

I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.

*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop

[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious

*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS

I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.

On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.

the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE

[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”

As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML

Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*

And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.

Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.

I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.

*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother

Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.

Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.