Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
You Might Also Like
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.