Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
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Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
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We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit