Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time

Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u

getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.

The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”

have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…

“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”

haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?

Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”

Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants

invited to a party: will there be food?

to a wedding: will there be food?

to the gym: will there be food?

to an orgy: will there be food?

to an intervention: will there be food?

to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?

what if we kissed on the garfield couch

I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

This is a post about animal excrement and the English language.

bull$#!% = nonsense/lies
chicken$#!% = petty or cowardly
horse$#!% = nonsense/lies
dog$#!%= low quality
ape$#!% = wild
bat$#!%= crazy

Ordered above from oldest to newest: bull$#!% (1914), bat$#!% (1971).

Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?

Me: that’s bananas.

greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history

Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want

We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”

I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode

I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.

imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt

[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere

I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.

All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.

IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.

Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145

If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:

1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”

They inhale deeply…