Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
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Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
