Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
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DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Do that thing I like.
Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
“That’s what” – She
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
