Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them

[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok

Son?

“Yes dad?”

If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…

“Yes?”

Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf

I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.

Me: I’m going to mall

Wife: For what?

Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop

Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?

Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.

u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???

Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused

wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again

If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.

I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.

People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.

🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.

Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one

Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over

Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

My wife: “Do you even like writing?”

Me: “I like having written.”

Take it from me

Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese

[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?

I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence

I might carry a baby with one hand.

Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?

Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no

“Awww. There there.”

*pats you on the face. Hard

This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would

Looking for a new spicy potato chip?

-Hot Pringles in your area

[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.