Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
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I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
I just stopped by to water my horse.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”