Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
You Might Also Like
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.