Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
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[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
black phone good
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.