Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
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Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.