Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

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Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said


The best thing about being Bane has gotta be that he can just slice a hardboiled egg straight into his pie hole


I’m beginning to think that Judas Priest might not be a Christian rock band.


microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist


INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?

ME: ope i thought it said preference


Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic


Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?

Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.

Me: …

Employee: …

Me: Or you’ll what?


Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*


[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*