me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
You Might Also Like
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
When your parents check you’re ok.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
I’d hang this in my house.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs